a much delayed peek at life

Friday, I officially finished my first quarter of teaching. My grades are far from being ready to process...but, the last day of the quarter has officially come and gone. This fact, along with reading another friend's post made me remember that i have not made time to post for awhile. so, instead of putting it off till i actually have time to sit and reflect (which might never come), i'm writing now...when i'm rushed...so that i actually will ;)

a quick pic that makes me smile is from this past monday night, when some of my family got together for a costume party...because my cousins had never been able to "take part" in halloween before (trick or treating, costumes, parties, etc.). so, this year we broke the pattern and had some fun.

aren't my mom and dad cute? now, who am i? ...to those of you to whom it's obvious...i know, i know...but, i couldn't help it ;)

i wish i was of the mold of those who are able to sit down and pour out all of their feelings...but, alas, i am not. it takes quite a bit of time and pondering. but, i was able to do some of this the other day, in between a couple classes in a note to a dear friend who's in israel right now. so, here is a peek into what resulted:

"my heart?

it's wanting to trust...frequently failing to do so...greatly feeling my inadequacies...trying to look to the victory in Christ...becoming annoyed by the drama of jr. high and high school...yet too easily drawn into what i loudly detest...desiring to work in the lives of these kids...more often than not, not knowing how on earth to reach them...seeing the need around me...wanting to pour more into ministry...feeling too drained to even keep up with the responsibilities i have now...wishing i could stay awake at night and pull college hours...feeling old...desperately missing interaction with friends who challenge my heart and my walk with God...soooo thankful for the day i was able to spend at master's recently (taking a couple kids to a view weekend and hanging out with dear friends)...wishing i was still there...knowing i'm not for a reason...trying to trust in the One who is that reason...desperately desiring more time in the Word...yet, slacking in continually acting on that desire...overwhelmed by the tasks i see as mine...wishing i was most overwhelmed with my great, good God..."

does that count as a peek into my heart, into my life? i hope so.

for those dear friends reading this, know that i miss you...i miss you all. i pray that God is working through you to challenge and encourage all those around you...i pray that you are pressing on, striving to know Christ more and glorify Him by spreading the joy of His gospel and delighting in Him! if you can, please pray that i may strive to do the same...and that i may be a testimony of Christ's love to my students, their parents, the other faculty and staff, my struggling church, my family, the other youth workers with whom i am too easily frustrated, friends near and far (mostly far), and once again...my students.

God has blessed me with such an opportunity...with so many young lives whom i'm afraid i don't have enough time or energy for. however, i know that i can trust in my God to accomplish His will through me and in the lives of these kids. so many have such hardened hearts...or at least nonchalant / unloving hearts...and it is hard to see. it is hard to help lead them in worship for chapel when so many are completely disinterested in the great God i so deeply wish they knew, loved, wanted to serve. it is hard to try to serve them in youth group when most of those who are the student leaders and even the adult leaders callously reject the group of rowdy
"untouchables" who desperately need to see Christ's love in action. it is hard to be met by completely blank, disinterested stares when i try to go deeper into their motives behind their actions...and the "it is hard" list goes on. yet, despite these, i know God is sovereign. He has blessed so much, and I have so much to be thankful for (i need to post about that, but now i'm running out of time). He is Lord...and it is to Him i must turn with all of these burdens and struggles. And, i know that He is faithful; He will sustain; He will accomplish His perfect will; His love and plan for all of these is so much more perfect than mine. His amazing grace that has led me here astounds me yet again! may He be glorified in my utter weakness...may He allow me to be "steadfast, ummoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord..." (I Cor. 15:58) may i "bless the Lord at all times" and may "his praise...continually be in my mouth" (Ps. 34:1)

God is good, all the time!