a much delayed peek at life

Friday, I officially finished my first quarter of teaching. My grades are far from being ready to process...but, the last day of the quarter has officially come and gone. This fact, along with reading another friend's post made me remember that i have not made time to post for awhile. so, instead of putting it off till i actually have time to sit and reflect (which might never come), i'm writing now...when i'm rushed...so that i actually will ;)

a quick pic that makes me smile is from this past monday night, when some of my family got together for a costume party...because my cousins had never been able to "take part" in halloween before (trick or treating, costumes, parties, etc.). so, this year we broke the pattern and had some fun.

aren't my mom and dad cute? now, who am i? ...to those of you to whom it's obvious...i know, i know...but, i couldn't help it ;)

i wish i was of the mold of those who are able to sit down and pour out all of their feelings...but, alas, i am not. it takes quite a bit of time and pondering. but, i was able to do some of this the other day, in between a couple classes in a note to a dear friend who's in israel right now. so, here is a peek into what resulted:

"my heart?

it's wanting to trust...frequently failing to do so...greatly feeling my inadequacies...trying to look to the victory in Christ...becoming annoyed by the drama of jr. high and high school...yet too easily drawn into what i loudly detest...desiring to work in the lives of these kids...more often than not, not knowing how on earth to reach them...seeing the need around me...wanting to pour more into ministry...feeling too drained to even keep up with the responsibilities i have now...wishing i could stay awake at night and pull college hours...feeling old...desperately missing interaction with friends who challenge my heart and my walk with God...soooo thankful for the day i was able to spend at master's recently (taking a couple kids to a view weekend and hanging out with dear friends)...wishing i was still there...knowing i'm not for a reason...trying to trust in the One who is that reason...desperately desiring more time in the Word...yet, slacking in continually acting on that desire...overwhelmed by the tasks i see as mine...wishing i was most overwhelmed with my great, good God..."

does that count as a peek into my heart, into my life? i hope so.

for those dear friends reading this, know that i miss you...i miss you all. i pray that God is working through you to challenge and encourage all those around you...i pray that you are pressing on, striving to know Christ more and glorify Him by spreading the joy of His gospel and delighting in Him! if you can, please pray that i may strive to do the same...and that i may be a testimony of Christ's love to my students, their parents, the other faculty and staff, my struggling church, my family, the other youth workers with whom i am too easily frustrated, friends near and far (mostly far), and once again...my students.

God has blessed me with such an opportunity...with so many young lives whom i'm afraid i don't have enough time or energy for. however, i know that i can trust in my God to accomplish His will through me and in the lives of these kids. so many have such hardened hearts...or at least nonchalant / unloving hearts...and it is hard to see. it is hard to help lead them in worship for chapel when so many are completely disinterested in the great God i so deeply wish they knew, loved, wanted to serve. it is hard to try to serve them in youth group when most of those who are the student leaders and even the adult leaders callously reject the group of rowdy
"untouchables" who desperately need to see Christ's love in action. it is hard to be met by completely blank, disinterested stares when i try to go deeper into their motives behind their actions...and the "it is hard" list goes on. yet, despite these, i know God is sovereign. He has blessed so much, and I have so much to be thankful for (i need to post about that, but now i'm running out of time). He is Lord...and it is to Him i must turn with all of these burdens and struggles. And, i know that He is faithful; He will sustain; He will accomplish His perfect will; His love and plan for all of these is so much more perfect than mine. His amazing grace that has led me here astounds me yet again! may He be glorified in my utter weakness...may He allow me to be "steadfast, ummoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord..." (I Cor. 15:58) may i "bless the Lord at all times" and may "his praise...continually be in my mouth" (Ps. 34:1)

God is good, all the time!

need 4 honesty

my heart is hurting. it is late, and i start teacher in-service tomorrow morning. so, i guess i should sleep...so i can learn something about teaching tomorrow, considering i only have a week until i am faced with the reality i have been avoiding lately--i am going to be a teacher.

but, for right now, all i can think about is that my heart is hurting and that i feel alone. i know i am not; i know God is there, with more love and care than i could possibly imagine. but, i miss those who truly know me and know my God upon whom i so desperately wish my wandering heart would rest (Ps. 116). also, i miss my smile--on my face and in my heart. i just wrote that in an e-mail to a friend, and i wanted to document it while i was in a brutally honest mindset. i want to be able to serve my God with my smile and encourage others by it. i want the joy that i have forever through Christ to show again on my face...on my countenance...in all that i do. i want my smile back for God's glory! how to get it? ay, there's the rub.

i know that this seems random. but, i got tired of waiting to post until my sin had been vanquished and my heart had been perfectly refocused on my Savior. but, it is through times such as these that God may choose to grow me the most, isn't it? i pray it is...i pray that He is teaching me along the way and that i will heed the lessons. but, for now, this is the state that i am in. my God is good, and i am weak and broken and scattered. that is my conclusion for tonight. i pray that tomorrow or the next day i will be able to right some of the wrongs i'm sure i have written, i will be able to counter my own words with truths that God has shown me in his word. but, for now, i will leave quoting some of Ps. 116 that God showed me today:

5 Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;
our God is merciful.
6 The Lord preserves the simple;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
7 Return, O my soul, to your rest;
for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

8 For you have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling;
9 I will walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.

i know my God is gracious, righteous, and merciful...i rejoice in that fact. i know that i am among the simplest. i yearn for my soul to return, my eyes to be delivered from tears and my feet from stumbling, and myself to walk in the land of the living. this post will be continued, because i know that God is faithful and good...and He will not stop leading me.

Time is flying

The more i feel like i need time, the quicker the time seems to fly. There is so much to be done and so little me to do it. But, i guess that's a big part of living, eh?--realizing that i'm so inadequate for the job...and that God is all-sufficient? (i know that that last phrase is so true...but i have much trouble living it) Anyway, that's not why i started this post though, so i won't go into details, yet. So, instead...

This past week, i've been house-sitting for a friend and his family who are in Hawaii for a vacation. He's getting married in less than a month, and daily i've been lugging boxes from bed, bath, and beyond into his parents' house. Also, another friend just got married yesterday, in Wisconsin. Alas, i was not able to make it to that one...but i thought that while weddings are on my mind...i would dedicate a little space to those i have been able to go to recently.




Sheila Martinson:

the first wedding of the summer-one of my last good friends from growing up. She married Andy Martinson, and within the week they had moved up to Oregon. It's one of those strange things that i'm used to being gone from home...but whenever i came back, she'd be there. Now, well, the tables have changed.

Jenny Starkey:

I had the amazing privilege of going over to New Hampshire for this girl. I was able to stay with an old friend (Kristen-far left) and her husband and see a little piece of Jenny's world before going to her wedding to Mr. Josh Starkey. The best part? They're going to be living in Simi Valley (CA) for right now! Not too far away ;)

After getting back to Kristen's house at midnight from Jenny's wedding, then packing and taking off in my rental car at 1:30 a.m. for the bus station to take me to the Boston airport...my trip to this next wedding began

Kimikimomo Parker:

The plan was to take off at 5:40 a.m. and make it to Sacramento by 11:30 a.m. to pick up my car and drive quickly to Walnut Creek for the wedding at 1. Well, God had other plans. Due to flight maintenance problems, we had to de-plane and go through security to another, so we took off an hour late...which meant i missed my connection in Houston by 5 minutes...which meant the only other flight to Sacramento wasn't until 6:00 p.m. Hence, after a good wait in customer service, i got an earlier flight to San Francisco...my parents wanted to get outta town for awhile, cuz of problems at home...so they came up and picked me up and drove me to the wedding reception. I got there by 2:30 p.m. and by God's grace, i was able to get there in time to catch most of the reception. It was outside...so not much pressure. And, right after the cutting of the cake, the bride spotted me and worked her way over to say hi! It all worked out...of which i'm glad. Kimiko was on my wing sophomore year...and she's been a great friend ever since.

After the reception my parents drove up to Sacramento, so i could get my car. Then, i began the long trek home. Finally, at midnight, i was home and my "vacation" was finally over.

above: unique pic of the sunset on way to santa maria from sacramento

ooh...but i just realized that i didn't talk about the first part of my vacation at all! well...i'll have to go into more details later. but, for right now, i went to norcal for a few days before heading out to new hampshire. and i got to hang out with jenn and her fam in grass valley, and meg (who was in norcal for a friend's wedding).

i love these girls

Aww shucks!

So, this picture and this post that went with it just made my day...so i couldn't help but steal it :) i'll just add one little thing to what was written tho...

*Jenn Jenn: this crazy girl loves adventure, loves ultimate, loves to run, and hates to be bored. her friendship is constant, her honesty is refreshing, and her desires to learn and grow in her walk with God are sincere. AND, she makes my heart smile!

all of these girls make me smile...and hence the "aww, shucks"

It's official...

Well...it's been official for a few weeks now. Yes, i graduated....craziness, eh? Other people in the pic---Paige Cleek and Jenny Heath--dear friends. One is teaching in Africa next year, and the other is getting married in less than 3 weeks!

Strawberries and Children's books

So, you may be wondering the connection...well, i'll get to that in a second. First, i was writing this in a quick e-mail to a math major friend today (who reminded me today that i had accidentally stolen some of her notes...an entire semester ago); and i realized that it would give a little insight to you all...to my thoughts over the past few days...so, here's a little piece of it:

thank you for letting me in on some of your life! yes, graduation did go well, although i don't feel much different (even though everyone and their mother keeps asking me how it feels...strange question if you ask me). actually, i am currently going through some of what you were describing. even though i haven't been away for any long periods of time, i have filled much of my time with staying over in santa clarita longer than originally planned, driving with paige to northern california (i'd never been that far north before...it was SUCH a different world) and staying there a few days, visiting my sister and her husband for a few days, visiting a friend from ibex in ventura for a night, spending some time in camarillo...and then finally back home. so, i am still getting used to the whole home thing. this can be translated as...i am terribly missing consistent contact with friends and accountability; i am having to face some of the realities of home and what is ahead; i am constantly seeing my seemingly overwhelming weaknesses in pursuing my God, in serving Him by serving those around me, in devoting "my time" to quality prayer and reading of the Bible, in thanking God for all the blessings that He has given that i am frequently too stubborn to recognize, in remembering...applying all that i heard and realized in ibex. there is so much i want to do...so much i had, no, have resolved to do. and, yet it seems like time is slipping away. and, yet, to some extent...it is more my squandering my time. well, i cannot do everything i want...that is true. but, there is more i should be doing in some respects and less in others. i have been thinking over much of this for the past couple days. my lack in diligence in many different areas is finally catching up with me, and i am trying to face it. you are right, God's grace and mercy never cease to amaze...and i so want to be a better servant, a better child...

So, there's a sneak peek in some of my heart's wanderings. yesterday, i actively started on Todd's list of "trust verses." The one for the next few days is Psalms 84:11-12, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withold from those who walk uprightly. (12) O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!" [for those of you who noticed...yes, that was in ESV...i'm trying out the whole not just stick to KJV thing...we'll see if i just end up confusing myself] i am praying for His help and guidance and strength...that i may walk uprightly and that i may trust in Him. Too easily i forget what a great God and Savior i serve.

Sorry, now back to other things. i began a realization a couple days ago that's actually kinda spread into even today--sometimes it is so nice just to be able to smile at the simple things in life.

toe socks and sandals = a simple thing that always makes me smile!

Let me give you some examples:

(1) On Memorial Day, my family went into a couple different bookstores while my sister and her husband were visiting. At a Borders, i wandered into the children's section to try to find an English version of a Dr. Seuss book i had bought in a used bookstore in Israel. And, i also found 2 of the cutest books i had ever seen. They made me smile. One was called Guess How Much I Love You (read the book synopsis) and the other was Won't You be My Hugaroo?. I know, they sound cheesy...but, really, it's one of those things you just can't help but go "Awww, shucks" to. Really, you need to try it next time you're near the children's section of a bookstore, go find those books. i would just give the little rhymes away...but, the illustrations help add to the overall effect. So, you'll have to find it out yourself ;)

(2) Later on that same day, we went to a used bookstore. i was a little bored, until i saw the ethnic studies section, where i poured over the Middle East section. Then, i remembered a certain book by Richard Halliburton ;)...so, i went up to the book guy and asked if he had it. he pointed me to the travel diaries section...and, guess what? i found another one of his books called "The Flying Carpet." and, it excited me to no end.

(3) Yesterday, i was riding my bike from my house to the school i grew up in, the one where i will be teaching next year, the one i want to ride my bike to every day next year to save on gas (yeh, we'll see how that goes)...but, anyway, so halfway through i was just started to get a little winded when i caught the smell of strawberries and looked over to realize that i was riding past one of the many fields in my town. And, it just made me smile and reminded me to try to look at and appreciate everything else i was riding by.

And, the list could go on from there...the gerber daisies i bought in Target yesterday to serve as a centerpiece for dinner (which my cat ate within 2 minutes of my setting them on the counter) , a birthday card i picked out to send to one of my best friends, the Matisyahu CD i bought that has the "Jerusalem!" song on it (that brought a smile and then a sigh), a date for coffee i have tomorrow morning with a friend who's getting married and moving away in two days, and talking on the phone today for a little while to a dear friend far away whom i've missed much...there are so many little blessings that God puts in my days. It's time i start taking a little more notice eh? yup, i agree! God is good, all the time!

a sunrise over Jerusalem...(from the rooftop of the Petra Hostel)

why this title?

realizations:
Whenever a thought hit me or lightning struck my brain, i would love to call those times revelations. However, when discussing this with a dear friend recently, i noticed that this is not an adequate description. She then suggested that realizations would fit much better. So, i converted and here's why...

rev·e·la·tion-- n. ; something revealed, especially a dramatic disclosure of something not previously known
re·al·i·za·tion-- n. ; coming to understand something clearly and distinctly

You see, i realized that most of my revelations were not previously unknown and were not usually dramatically disclosed. Instead, these bright moments of recognition are usually my mind's sudden grasp of a old concept that was given new meaning or at least a new personal meaning...hence a realization! k, so not sure if that makes sense...perhaps examples are better than explanation? well...those will follow, someday...

a wandering heart sealed:
These words originate from a hymn that became one of my favorites in college, when i realized that the meaning was much deeper and more personal than i'd ever thought before.

Come Thou Fount

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above;
Praise His name - I'm fixed upon it -
Name of God's redeeming love.

Hitherto Thy love has blest me;
Thou hast bro't me to this place;
And I know Thy hand will bring me
Safely home by Thy good grace.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Bought me with His precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee:
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it;
Seal it for Thy courts above.

This song could have many implications and applications...it speaks of the greatness of God--of who He is and of what He has done for me; it speaks of the praise and dedication that it should evoke from me; it speaks of the weakness of my wandering heart that so often fails the God i claim to love. And, yet, isn't God's forgiveness and grace amazing? He has sealed my heart and saved me forever and is patiently sanctifying me day by day, according to His perfect plan.

Jude 24-25 "Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen."

Daily, it seems as though i see more and more of my failings. And, daily, i need to be striving to love and know and serve my God more. But, i can also know that He is in control, not me...which i stubbornly tend to ignore at times...but, it is true. I can rest in that fact--that i am a wandering heart sealed by the amazing grace of God. i'm a fan...and that is such an understatement!

Before i leave this topic...i just have to mention the story that usually accompanies the history of this hymn. i won't explain it all, but you can find it here. The tragic story of the songwriter reminds me of Asa as found in II Chron. 14-16. Asa trusted; he followed God. And, yet, he died not trusting because of the devastating pattern that he had developed of not trusting the God of Israel. i was hit by this story particularly hard this past semester in Israel, during a History of Ancient Israel class; and i needed to be hit. Trusting and submitting to God's plan and leading is crucial. i have seen Him provide in SO many different ways. i have no excuse to try to do anything in my own strength...glorifying God involves doing everything not only for Him, but by Him.

by grace:

What can i say for this? Not much...i am inadequate. God's infinite grace astounds me often, and it should astound me always. So, i will stop talking now

I Timothy 1:14-17

14and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 15The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. 16But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. 17To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.