need 4 honesty

my heart is hurting. it is late, and i start teacher in-service tomorrow morning. so, i guess i should sleep...so i can learn something about teaching tomorrow, considering i only have a week until i am faced with the reality i have been avoiding lately--i am going to be a teacher.

but, for right now, all i can think about is that my heart is hurting and that i feel alone. i know i am not; i know God is there, with more love and care than i could possibly imagine. but, i miss those who truly know me and know my God upon whom i so desperately wish my wandering heart would rest (Ps. 116). also, i miss my smile--on my face and in my heart. i just wrote that in an e-mail to a friend, and i wanted to document it while i was in a brutally honest mindset. i want to be able to serve my God with my smile and encourage others by it. i want the joy that i have forever through Christ to show again on my face...on my countenance...in all that i do. i want my smile back for God's glory! how to get it? ay, there's the rub.

i know that this seems random. but, i got tired of waiting to post until my sin had been vanquished and my heart had been perfectly refocused on my Savior. but, it is through times such as these that God may choose to grow me the most, isn't it? i pray it is...i pray that He is teaching me along the way and that i will heed the lessons. but, for now, this is the state that i am in. my God is good, and i am weak and broken and scattered. that is my conclusion for tonight. i pray that tomorrow or the next day i will be able to right some of the wrongs i'm sure i have written, i will be able to counter my own words with truths that God has shown me in his word. but, for now, i will leave quoting some of Ps. 116 that God showed me today:

5 Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;
our God is merciful.
6 The Lord preserves the simple;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
7 Return, O my soul, to your rest;
for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

8 For you have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling;
9 I will walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.

i know my God is gracious, righteous, and merciful...i rejoice in that fact. i know that i am among the simplest. i yearn for my soul to return, my eyes to be delivered from tears and my feet from stumbling, and myself to walk in the land of the living. this post will be continued, because i know that God is faithful and good...and He will not stop leading me.