God's promises

earlier this week, i arrived at the Christian school i teach at to find these rainbows. it took quite awhile for both to appear...and you will be able to tell that my panoramic view of them below didn't come out perfectly...but i thought it was cool nonetheless. within two minutes of those last shots, the sky was clouded over and the rain had returned, but i was left with a song in my heart and a reminder of all of God's promises...and my tendency not to remain faithfully trusting in them. that day did not turn out to be that spectacular...i still faced the same struggles with others as well as the inadequacies in myself. but, they didn't discourage me to the extent that they have before...because my mind was dwelling on the great God that i serve, instead of on myself.

now, i can't say that i kept that mindset throughout this week. ashamed, i admit that many times my reactions to situations were very far from what i just described. but, as i write...i have been humbled repeatedly over the past couple days--whether by reading some friends' blogs--listening to their hearts, talking to others, or looking deeper into my own reactions to...oh, so many things.

in teen sunday school this morning, a new teacher was starting off a series on biblical leadership with the youth....but, he happened to mention the example of peter in his introdutory lesson and his example of getting out of the boat. my mind began to wander...as i thought about where i am...where God has brought me. i began to equate the steps of faith (which weren't perfect by ANY means) which led to my teaching at home with my getting out of the boat, which is also far from a perfect comparison. and that made me realize that i'm sinking...the struggles, the frustrations, the daily disappointments, the dashed hopes, the immaturity of students, the immaturity of myself, the wit's end to which i so easily come...the wind and the waves have drawn my attention. for so long i have been struggling with how to deal with each of these areas of sin and despair...focusing so much on myself, my thoughts, my discouragements, my weaknesses, my methods of reaching the hardened souls...not realizing that at the root of it all is my lack of looking to Jesus. i've cried out to Him so many times, but they were in selfishness...not in complete trust of His character, His promises, His timing. when will i stop putting my God in a finite box that i so easily trick myself into being able to grasp?

I was reading this morning from Psalm 31...i'll end these thoughts with some truths from there:
(forgive the KJV...it's what i have in front of me)

"In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed: deliver me in thy righteousness...For thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for thy name's sake lead me, and guide me...Into thine hand I commit my spirit: thou hast redeemed me, O Lord God of truth...Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble; mine eye is consumed with grief...For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength faileth because of mine iniquity...I am forgotten as a dead man out of mind: I am like a broken vessel...But I trusted in thee, O Lord: I said, Thou art my God. My times are in thy hand...Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men! Thou shalt hide them in the secret of thy presence from the pride of man: thou shalt keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues. Blessed be the Lord: for he hath shown me his marvellous kindness in a strong city. For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before thine eyes: nevertheless thou heardest the voice of my supplications when I cried unto thee. O love the Lord, all ye his saints: for the Lord preserveth the faithful, and plentifully rewardeth the proud doer. Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord."

so...there's a peek into my heart today...naturally selfish, needing humility, looking to God's faithfulness and His promises, praying that my hope may be in the Lord...my trust may be in His goodness...and my goal would be Him glorified.

please pray...

tonight, another wednesday night at youth group has come and gone. without going into the details, my heart is once again heavy (which has seem to become a weekly occurence for wed. nights). i need to still prepare my lessons for school tomorrow, but i do want to ask for your prayer...for the jr/sr high youth at first baptist...for a mtg. tomorrow at 5, with the "leaders" of the group and the new pastor concerning the direction the group needs to take...for those kids who seem to many to be impossible to reach or contain...i know that this is not much to go on for most of you, but i would so dearly appreciate your prayers.

God alone can work this situation for good, and He will...for He works all things together for good. He is perfectly good and holy in these struggles...i pray that i may remember that and live that, pushing aside my selfishness and pride. i'm currently looking back at a passage in I peter 5, that a dear friend showed me right before i headed out to malaysia two summers ago. i need to daily be following the instruction of vs. 5-11 so much more closely--submitting, clothed with humility; humbling myself under the might hand of God; soberly watching out for and resisting the temptations of the devil; remembering God's perfect plan and His amazing grace; and praying that in all things He will be glorfied.

a much delayed peek at life

Friday, I officially finished my first quarter of teaching. My grades are far from being ready to process...but, the last day of the quarter has officially come and gone. This fact, along with reading another friend's post made me remember that i have not made time to post for awhile. so, instead of putting it off till i actually have time to sit and reflect (which might never come), i'm writing now...when i'm rushed...so that i actually will ;)

a quick pic that makes me smile is from this past monday night, when some of my family got together for a costume party...because my cousins had never been able to "take part" in halloween before (trick or treating, costumes, parties, etc.). so, this year we broke the pattern and had some fun.

aren't my mom and dad cute? now, who am i? ...to those of you to whom it's obvious...i know, i know...but, i couldn't help it ;)

i wish i was of the mold of those who are able to sit down and pour out all of their feelings...but, alas, i am not. it takes quite a bit of time and pondering. but, i was able to do some of this the other day, in between a couple classes in a note to a dear friend who's in israel right now. so, here is a peek into what resulted:

"my heart?

it's wanting to trust...frequently failing to do so...greatly feeling my inadequacies...trying to look to the victory in Christ...becoming annoyed by the drama of jr. high and high school...yet too easily drawn into what i loudly detest...desiring to work in the lives of these kids...more often than not, not knowing how on earth to reach them...seeing the need around me...wanting to pour more into ministry...feeling too drained to even keep up with the responsibilities i have now...wishing i could stay awake at night and pull college hours...feeling old...desperately missing interaction with friends who challenge my heart and my walk with God...soooo thankful for the day i was able to spend at master's recently (taking a couple kids to a view weekend and hanging out with dear friends)...wishing i was still there...knowing i'm not for a reason...trying to trust in the One who is that reason...desperately desiring more time in the Word...yet, slacking in continually acting on that desire...overwhelmed by the tasks i see as mine...wishing i was most overwhelmed with my great, good God..."

does that count as a peek into my heart, into my life? i hope so.

for those dear friends reading this, know that i miss you...i miss you all. i pray that God is working through you to challenge and encourage all those around you...i pray that you are pressing on, striving to know Christ more and glorify Him by spreading the joy of His gospel and delighting in Him! if you can, please pray that i may strive to do the same...and that i may be a testimony of Christ's love to my students, their parents, the other faculty and staff, my struggling church, my family, the other youth workers with whom i am too easily frustrated, friends near and far (mostly far), and once again...my students.

God has blessed me with such an opportunity...with so many young lives whom i'm afraid i don't have enough time or energy for. however, i know that i can trust in my God to accomplish His will through me and in the lives of these kids. so many have such hardened hearts...or at least nonchalant / unloving hearts...and it is hard to see. it is hard to help lead them in worship for chapel when so many are completely disinterested in the great God i so deeply wish they knew, loved, wanted to serve. it is hard to try to serve them in youth group when most of those who are the student leaders and even the adult leaders callously reject the group of rowdy
"untouchables" who desperately need to see Christ's love in action. it is hard to be met by completely blank, disinterested stares when i try to go deeper into their motives behind their actions...and the "it is hard" list goes on. yet, despite these, i know God is sovereign. He has blessed so much, and I have so much to be thankful for (i need to post about that, but now i'm running out of time). He is Lord...and it is to Him i must turn with all of these burdens and struggles. And, i know that He is faithful; He will sustain; He will accomplish His perfect will; His love and plan for all of these is so much more perfect than mine. His amazing grace that has led me here astounds me yet again! may He be glorified in my utter weakness...may He allow me to be "steadfast, ummoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord..." (I Cor. 15:58) may i "bless the Lord at all times" and may "his praise...continually be in my mouth" (Ps. 34:1)

God is good, all the time!

need 4 honesty

my heart is hurting. it is late, and i start teacher in-service tomorrow morning. so, i guess i should sleep...so i can learn something about teaching tomorrow, considering i only have a week until i am faced with the reality i have been avoiding lately--i am going to be a teacher.

but, for right now, all i can think about is that my heart is hurting and that i feel alone. i know i am not; i know God is there, with more love and care than i could possibly imagine. but, i miss those who truly know me and know my God upon whom i so desperately wish my wandering heart would rest (Ps. 116). also, i miss my smile--on my face and in my heart. i just wrote that in an e-mail to a friend, and i wanted to document it while i was in a brutally honest mindset. i want to be able to serve my God with my smile and encourage others by it. i want the joy that i have forever through Christ to show again on my face...on my countenance...in all that i do. i want my smile back for God's glory! how to get it? ay, there's the rub.

i know that this seems random. but, i got tired of waiting to post until my sin had been vanquished and my heart had been perfectly refocused on my Savior. but, it is through times such as these that God may choose to grow me the most, isn't it? i pray it is...i pray that He is teaching me along the way and that i will heed the lessons. but, for now, this is the state that i am in. my God is good, and i am weak and broken and scattered. that is my conclusion for tonight. i pray that tomorrow or the next day i will be able to right some of the wrongs i'm sure i have written, i will be able to counter my own words with truths that God has shown me in his word. but, for now, i will leave quoting some of Ps. 116 that God showed me today:

5 Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;
our God is merciful.
6 The Lord preserves the simple;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
7 Return, O my soul, to your rest;
for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

8 For you have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling;
9 I will walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.

i know my God is gracious, righteous, and merciful...i rejoice in that fact. i know that i am among the simplest. i yearn for my soul to return, my eyes to be delivered from tears and my feet from stumbling, and myself to walk in the land of the living. this post will be continued, because i know that God is faithful and good...and He will not stop leading me.

Time is flying

The more i feel like i need time, the quicker the time seems to fly. There is so much to be done and so little me to do it. But, i guess that's a big part of living, eh?--realizing that i'm so inadequate for the job...and that God is all-sufficient? (i know that that last phrase is so true...but i have much trouble living it) Anyway, that's not why i started this post though, so i won't go into details, yet. So, instead...

This past week, i've been house-sitting for a friend and his family who are in Hawaii for a vacation. He's getting married in less than a month, and daily i've been lugging boxes from bed, bath, and beyond into his parents' house. Also, another friend just got married yesterday, in Wisconsin. Alas, i was not able to make it to that one...but i thought that while weddings are on my mind...i would dedicate a little space to those i have been able to go to recently.




Sheila Martinson:

the first wedding of the summer-one of my last good friends from growing up. She married Andy Martinson, and within the week they had moved up to Oregon. It's one of those strange things that i'm used to being gone from home...but whenever i came back, she'd be there. Now, well, the tables have changed.

Jenny Starkey:

I had the amazing privilege of going over to New Hampshire for this girl. I was able to stay with an old friend (Kristen-far left) and her husband and see a little piece of Jenny's world before going to her wedding to Mr. Josh Starkey. The best part? They're going to be living in Simi Valley (CA) for right now! Not too far away ;)

After getting back to Kristen's house at midnight from Jenny's wedding, then packing and taking off in my rental car at 1:30 a.m. for the bus station to take me to the Boston airport...my trip to this next wedding began

Kimikimomo Parker:

The plan was to take off at 5:40 a.m. and make it to Sacramento by 11:30 a.m. to pick up my car and drive quickly to Walnut Creek for the wedding at 1. Well, God had other plans. Due to flight maintenance problems, we had to de-plane and go through security to another, so we took off an hour late...which meant i missed my connection in Houston by 5 minutes...which meant the only other flight to Sacramento wasn't until 6:00 p.m. Hence, after a good wait in customer service, i got an earlier flight to San Francisco...my parents wanted to get outta town for awhile, cuz of problems at home...so they came up and picked me up and drove me to the wedding reception. I got there by 2:30 p.m. and by God's grace, i was able to get there in time to catch most of the reception. It was outside...so not much pressure. And, right after the cutting of the cake, the bride spotted me and worked her way over to say hi! It all worked out...of which i'm glad. Kimiko was on my wing sophomore year...and she's been a great friend ever since.

After the reception my parents drove up to Sacramento, so i could get my car. Then, i began the long trek home. Finally, at midnight, i was home and my "vacation" was finally over.

above: unique pic of the sunset on way to santa maria from sacramento

ooh...but i just realized that i didn't talk about the first part of my vacation at all! well...i'll have to go into more details later. but, for right now, i went to norcal for a few days before heading out to new hampshire. and i got to hang out with jenn and her fam in grass valley, and meg (who was in norcal for a friend's wedding).

i love these girls

Aww shucks!

So, this picture and this post that went with it just made my day...so i couldn't help but steal it :) i'll just add one little thing to what was written tho...

*Jenn Jenn: this crazy girl loves adventure, loves ultimate, loves to run, and hates to be bored. her friendship is constant, her honesty is refreshing, and her desires to learn and grow in her walk with God are sincere. AND, she makes my heart smile!

all of these girls make me smile...and hence the "aww, shucks"

It's official...

Well...it's been official for a few weeks now. Yes, i graduated....craziness, eh? Other people in the pic---Paige Cleek and Jenny Heath--dear friends. One is teaching in Africa next year, and the other is getting married in less than 3 weeks!